A little courage in a small East Texas town

I went to college in Texas – San Antonio in fact. Spent 4 1/2 years there and gladly called it home at the time. My partner and I called Houston home for 2 years. Both cities have a thriving if not quaint gay population. But drive a few hours over to a small east texas town called Tyler or neighboring Lindale – and you get a different tale. Very conservative, very bible belt and extremely homophobic. I think I would go so far as to say the very word “gay” is not even utter in single breath in that town (okay maybe I am exaggerating but you get the point) – it isn’t very welcoming to gay people at all.

Tyler Texas - Project TAG

In comes the AIDS service organization Project TAG (Tyler Area Gays) who decided to do a small part to introducing this community to the word “gay.” What did they do – they adopted a highway. We all have seen the signs, church groups, fraternities, lodges – adopt a section of a highway, clean it up and get their name put on a sign on that stretch of road. Project TAG sought to do this with the idea of getting the word “gay” out in public in their community. The hope – to desensitize the area about what is and is not “gay” and to get the community talking. Will it work…only time will tell. But I think it’s a great way to not only do a service for your community but to show how LGBT people have the same civic and community goals as anyone else and oh by the way; they live in your town too!!

Way to go Project TAG – that takes a lot of courage in this little small east Texas town.

Thomas

Science Fiction meets Religious Oppression

So many people who hear me talk about the Ex-Gay Movement and my many varied failed attempts to “de-gay” myself think I am making this stuff up–total fiction. Add to it the Evangelical world view,  some evil spirits, generational curses and football clinics–well it sounds downright nutty.

Daniel Gonzales writing for Box Turtle Bulletin, spent time trying to de-gay himself with the assistance of a “therapist” from the sinister sounding organization NARTH (National Association for the Research and Therapy of  Homosexuality). Recently he has been looking into the parallels between ex-gay treatment like one gets at NARTH and elsewhere with the practices of another infamous organization–the Church of Scientology.

He’s included delicious diagrams and videos. Read Part I and Part II of a Clear Comparison: Scientology and Ex-Gay Programs.

NARTH will have their annual conference this year in Southern Florida, and like last year when NARTH met in Denver, Beyond Ex-Gay will be there to counter the misinformation and false promises. Beyond Ex-Gay will facilitate a day-long Ex-Gay Survivor gathering for survivors and allies. It is the kick-off for an event organized by a coalition of social justice groups. As NARTH meets to share their views about just how awful the gays are and their various dodgy methods to bring about change the Anti-Heterosexism Conference will take place down the road in West Palm Beach, FL Nov 20-23.

That lovin' feeling

Oy, I know it’s been a little while since I’ve written. I’ve been distracted by a slew of marital issues and such, and so I’ve sort of dropped the ball in trying to keep sane and my head above water in all of this. I will not delve too deep into the martial issues, as there are some things that don’t belong on my blog. But, there have been things and events that I’ve had to deal with.

I love fall. I love parts of it, I love fall when it’s warm and pretty when the sun wraps its wisps of rays around the Iowa area as it slips away into winter. I love it when it’s cooler than 110 in the shade. I don’t really love it when it’s unshakeably cloudy and rainy. This fall, I really feel like we got kicked in the head with “HEY, IT’S AUTUMN! “. The weather is cooler, the clouds are oppressive, and the sense of impending doom and hopelessness is creeping in. After a very slow start to the summer, and then a rocky summer, I’m not exactly ready for this already. But it is what it is, and I can no more stop that than I can stop the wind from blowing. So, I try to just make the best of every day and go from there.

I’ve found myself in a horrid juxtaposition between things in life. I feel like I’m clinging to a spiked wall that’s above a lava pit, and that although I’m stabilizing, the lava is getting awfully hot. I’m going to have to work on things and do things that I don’t really want to do. This is why some people avoid therapy. It’s hard. It really forces one to sit down and assess what they are doing and where they are going in life, and the main lesson that I have learned is: “Everything you know is wrong.” Whew, that one is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve made some great progress, but sheesh! IT. DOESN’T. END. Sometimes, I just want to take the whole bottle of whatever it is that I can find to go to sleep and forget about it all.

Now, for those that know me personally, and for those who don’t, the subject I am about to broach next is a bit on the tricky side. It’s kind of sticky, but it’s something that also must be talked about. It is a piece of the mental health puzzle. It’s a matter of being comfortable with who I am, what I’m doing, and where I’m going in life.

I am bisexual.

I’ve already dodged all of the rotten tomatoes, so thank you. You can just put them in the trash, thankyouverymuch.

There is a huge stigma attached to “The B Word”. It comes from both sides of the spectrum, and this stigma is what sort of sent me back into the closet. It’s a comfort thing. If people ask me point-blank, I’ll tell them. Or, if I’m *REALLY* comfortable with the person, I’ll come out. I don’t openly wear my rainbow (or purple triangles) on my sleeve, but it’s there. No, I’m not going to make out with you because you’re a girl. No, I’m not going to hit on you. No, I’m not going to have a threesome for your boyfriend. No, I haven’t had 100 partners. I’m not promiscuous. I’m not a freak. At the risk of being disowned by certain parts of my family, I am attracted to women. Not all women. Just like I’m not attracted to all men. I’m not going to explain myself. I’m not going to apologize for myself.

I am what I am. I am who I am. I’m not ashamed of it. I am still the same person I was ten minutes ago before you clicked open my blog and I came out to the internet. Sexuality is something that is complicated and fluid. It happens. Unfortunately, I do anticipate a few “Un-Friends” on Facebook. I should hope that anybody that I talk to, associate with, and/or am FB friends with won’t get freaked out by my admission to bisexuality and decide that I’m not worthy of associating with. If anybody DOES really and legitimately feel that they SIMPLY CANNOT TALK TO A WOMAN THAT HAPPENS TO LIKE SOME OTHER WOMEN (OMG! SCREAM! The Horror!) and decides that THAT will be the one and only deciding factor in whether or not to take me off their “Friend” list, then don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

ALL of that being said, sexuality is situationally complex. So, I really don’t like it when I have crushes on females. Why? As nice as it is, it’s fucking complicated. Why? Because the vast majority of females are NOT bisexual or lesbian, and there really IS NO WAY TO TELL. We don’t all have pink patches to wear on our clothes to say “Hey, You’re on my Gay-Dar! NEAT!”

AND MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!!! AT THE RISK OF BEING DISOWNED BY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BLOGGING ABOUT THIS!!! WHAT THE HELL?!

So there was a girl. I’d always sorta seen her “around”. I didn’t have a whole lot of contact with her. I still don’t. Somehow, she caught my eye. And I will refer to her as “Mystery Girl”, how I referred to her before I learned her name. {No names here.} I don’t know if she cast a spell on me or what, but after awhile, I feel head-over-heels.

I know, I know. I’m not supposed to do that. She’s a girl. I’m a girl. NOT cool. I’m into guys too.

When I was younger, a teenager, I remember saying very adamantly: “I’m straight as an arrow, but sure as hell NOT narrow!” I openly accepted the idea of the GLBT movement, despite my severely homophobic best friend. The main subject of her conversation was about gay people, and how bad it was to be gay. That’s the bulk of what I remember about this girl. In fact, her conversation was so heavily laden with homophobia that I discussed this with ANOTHER friend, and we both wondered if this original friend was indeed, a lesbian. The original friend was SO FREAKED OUT by our open lesbian gym teacher. I thought it was ridiculous. I had NO problem with it. I didn’t actually know anybody that was openly gay at that point, but I seriously could have given less than a shit.

What I IGNORED was my own discomfort with women. Especially women of alternative sexuality. I could not openly figure out why, for the life of me, WHY WHY WHY when I heard of an internet friend being bisexual and making out with a girl, that it made me SO DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE? I had to literally convince myself several times over “Okay, that GUY is REALLY HOT! LOOK AT THAT GUY” I would spend a lot of time avoiding looking at women because I was straight. Why was I looking at this woman? And why did she look so… pretty? There was that one girl in my freshman Spanish class that I felt REALLY weird when I found out that I’d been eyeing her, and she was, indeed a girl. (My defense to myself was: “She LOOKS like a cute boy! Dammit! a BOY!”)

I remember a cool fall or winter night when I was a teenager. I was sitting by the piano watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation with my dad. I looked at Dana Troy (Miranda Sirtis), and I had to look away because she was so pretty… I desperately looked at all of the male characters in the rest of the episode because I was straight, there was no reason why I should have felt that twinge. I just about had a panic attack that night. When I was alone, I looked out the living room window and started crying. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I had markers. Flags. Clues as to what was going on. But, I never actually openly addressed this aspect of myself. Especially NOT in middle or high school. I would have been chewed up and spit out. I was barely outwardly comfortable around guys (I’m still kinda awkward on this one…). Let alone girls. So, I maintained that I was, indeed, straight. I liked guys, I was pretty open about liking boys, and all was cool. All was right with the world. What wasn’t cool was these “abnormal” twinges I felt occasionally when I met or saw particular girls. “DO *NOT* GO TO PHASE 2! I REPEAT! DO *NOT* GO TO PHASE 2!!! DON’T YOU DARE! NOT COOL!”

Fast forward to the summer after high school. I figured it out. I watched a movie that changed my life forever. It was called “Get Real.” It was coming of age story about a nerdy guy that falls for a jock. Jock likes guy back. They have private affair, etc. I do highly recommend watching it. But, it got me to thinking about things. And it got me thinking seriously about WHY I would find myself so damn uncomfortable at certain times around certain… people (women). And it struck me like a bolt of lightning.

It was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to have panic attacks at night because I found somebody attractive and that she happened to be female. I wanted to scream to the world “HEY, WORLD! GUESS WHAT?! I’M BISEXUAL AND I LIKE IT!! TAKE THAT!” My first semester of college, that’s about exactly what I did. I was pretty open about being bisexual. It’s cool to be “Out and Proud”, but sometimes, even in a liberal bubble, discretion must be used. Over the years, I learned that keeping quiet about that in the workplace definitely worked to my benefit. And that if I let people get to know me first, then it wasn’t such a big deal. Still, though, there is definitely a stigma attached to “The B Word.” I’ve heard SO many times: “Well, WHO do you marry? A man or a woman?” “Cool! Will you do a threesome!?” …etc… “You’re NOT straight! EW!” “You’re NOT a lesbian! EW!” So, it’s very difficult to be squashed in the middle. It is what it is. I can appreciate an exotic beauty and sensuality about a woman that it otherwise unexplainable. I’m attracted to guys. I’m attracted to girls. It’s just me. There’s nothing I can do to change it, and I don’t want to.

The only thing that I *DO* want to change, however, is that when I *DO* find myself in a situation where I find somebody so drop-deadly attractive, that I’m able to TALK to this person, and get to KNOW them.

Street corner lesbian

Friday night I went out to a bar district with some of the interns. I decided to leave a little earlier than the others wanted to, so I said I’d just walk home — the area is only eight or nine blocks from my apartment, and I’d only had a couple beers over the course of the entire evening.

Bad choice.

About three blocks from home, some tall, drunk guy walking the opposite direction stumbled past as he crossed the street.

‘Hey baby, can I have a kiss?’ he asked, leaning down and pointing to his cheek.

‘Um, no, I don’t think so,’ I responded hesitantly.

‘Lesbian!’ he snapped. He then smacked me on the ass and stumbled away.

Memphis National Coming Out Day Billboard Sign Completely Destroyed

From Triangle Journal, Sept 25, 2009

Reported on Equality Across America

On Friday evening September 25, passersby and community members began reporting to Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center (MGLCC) that one of the billboards erected by MGLCC honoring National Coming Out Day had been destroyed.

The billboard, which contained a picture of community member Tim Smith dressed in his marine uniform proclaiming “I’m gay, and I defended your freedom,” was completely torn from the Clear Channel Billboard frame, exposing remnants of prior postings. No identifiable portions of the MGLCC billboard remained.

The MGLCC billboard campaign honoring National Coming Out Day on October 11 has been underway for one week and will continue for three more weeks. The initiative aims to clarify to the Mid-South that our community is not afraid of being out and that we are unashamed of being who we are. The billboard that was defaced is one of five erected throughout the city as part of the initiative. MGLCC Executive Director Will Batts, who is in Philadelphia attending a national conference for LGBT community centers, was contacted by phone by Triangle Journal and informed of the defacement. He stated, “Some people choose tactics of violence and intimidation in an attempt to silence minority voices. What will happen, though, is that our voices will become louder and stronger and we will become even more relentless in our fight for full equality.”

This story was sent to us from one of our National Equality March organizers, Tommy Simmons from Tennessee. Spread the word wide and far!

Can you spot another gay person?

     I’ve always said that gay people have a thing called “gaydar” that allows them to spot out other gay people in a sea of faces……When I first started working at Chilis, a saw about 5 other people I knew were gay right off top. Im a femme so its a little more difficult to tell (or so I thought), but the group of LGBT members I spotted consisted of 3 boys, 3 studs, and one who was questionable. Lol. Anyways, my coworkers informed me that they all knew I was gay from the time I hit the door to get an application. The boys AND the girls all said they could tell I was gay.
  

     This made me think….what was it that may me seem gay and can all other gay people spot LGBT family? The boys told me they knew I was gay by looking in my eyes. They said thats how alot of gay men identify each other also…..The women told me that the way they could tell I was gay was by the way I carried myself. Lol. Whatever that means.
    

     So I guess the underlying question is can you look at someone else as a gay person and tell they are gay automatically? If so, how? What is it that makes you come to that conclusion in your mind about someone else? I feel like its easier to spot a stud or a flamboyant gay man then it is a gay femme. Just my opinion though. Anyways, enjoy the blog and dont forget to leave your comments! I want to hear about your gaydar. Lol

Why They Suffer

LGBT Rights

…the world is yet to offer

homosexuality

the liberty it deserves.

Faggot, queer, dyke, homo, twinkie, a businessman hears this from a co-worker or a boy from his father or a student from his classmates or even a person from strangers in the streets for at least once every day. The purpose of these names is to remind them of what they are, or at least, what others have branded them; an abomination, a humiliation, a disappointment for the reason that they chose to be different.

Unacceptability is the kind of emotional impact that retains homosexuals from freely exercising their civil and human rights. Oftentimes, unacceptability reflects from family relations to social status when an individual decides to “come out”, therefore, leads the vast majority of young homosexuals to run away from home or worse, commit suicide.

On top of that, there’s also Alienation. It is one aspect that elaborates the fact that gay men would find little success in obtaining a normal, carefree lifestyle in a large community, when they choose to publicize their sexuality; hence, they are force to settle in small-populated districts where homosexuality is tolerated.

Another is Condemnation, an expression frequently utilized by religious organizations and churches who perceive homosexuality as a crime to God’s will owing to the belief that a person can only limit his/her freedom of attachment towards the opposite sex by reason that same sex relationship opposes child-bearing. And finally, what most homosexuals experience from the whole, degradation.

Degradation manifests in several forms; mistreatment through physical, verbal, emotional and spiritual assault from others; lack of support and protection from authority; rejection from obtaining or maintaining work; denial from a normal lifestyle etc. In conclusion, even as Gay Rights are regarded in parts of the globe, the world is yet to offer homosexuality the liberty it deserves.