Part of my story, my herstory….well…history…just trying to be funny… 
started in 1996. Technically, long before that…even as young as 9. I always thought there was something different. As a kid I didn’t have tons of friends and I was a tom-boy. I use to like to go outside without a shirt like my guy friends until I was about 6-7 and my Mom put a stop to that. In high school I developed feelings for a female student teacher. I thought for sure I was a pervert.
After graduating high school, I went to college and became active in a campus church ministry. I always thought, and perhaps said, that if I wasn’t a Christian I would be a lesbian. Well, several years later…in 1996…while I was still active in a local church and had lots of friends, and had been engaged at one point, I read a book by Max Lucado called In the Grip of Grace. Like many girls and women, I had experienced some abuse while growing up. After reading Max’s book, I felt a freedom from the guilt and shame I had held on to for several years. I finally felt this huge burden of shame lifted and I could finally be myself.
So, I came out as a lesbian. I doubt Max thought that would happen as a result of reading his book. It was a time when I felt that I didn’t have to hide behind guilt and shame and a time to just be me. And “me” was a lesbian. I went on so many blind dates it was crazy. I didn’t have a computer so I was using these voicemail personal ads. It was fun, new, and exciting. I had some lesbian friends that were guiding me as I was discovering who I was and what I wanted.
I still attended church. And I still had lots of friends in church. I wasn’t shy about telling them I was a lesbian. I practically screamed it from the rooftops. Friends everywhere were very concerned and tried to dissuade me from the “lifestyle.” A pastor and friend met with me and advised me as to why it was wrong and how they were willing to help me get out of it. My membership was revoked, but I didn’t care. It was just buracracy to me. I continued going to church but was hanging out primarily with my lesbian friends.
After a year of dating, there came a crisis of faith. I couldn’t reconcile my faith with my feelings. So, I stopped dating and was whole-heartedly back into the church scene and growing in Christ. Over the next several years I “fell off the wagon” a few times. My last lesbian relationship was in 2001. I haven’t dated anybody since. I’ve been serving as a Worship Leader since 2003. I’ve led several small groups, grown and matured personally, and still like the idea of finding a partner for life. But, it gets confusing as to whether or not I want that partner to be a man or a woman. By faith, I want a husband.
As of now, I’m single and not pursuing any relationships. Granted I have other issues. Some of those new issues may be a result of not really dealing with my identity. And my identity is confused more by the fact that I have Swyer’s Syndrome. I have not had hormonal treatments but did have the “gonadal streaks,” that were suppose to be ovaries, removed when I was 17. The funny thing, I thought it was called Sawyer’s Syndrome…and nobody had ever heard of Sawyer’s Syndrome. It was just about 4 years ago that I found out it’s called Swyer’s. This new-found information threw me for a loop, especially as I was doing Google searches on Swyer’s Syndrome.
Well, this has been a very long post. This is part of my story. Most of my posts won’t be nearly this long. But, someone had asked what I meant by former lesbian and thought I would share this portion of my story.
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